It's not my Birthday — I still got ADHD
WARNING! This is a deeply personal post, much more so than others on this website. Proceed at your own risk.
Every now and again I have to think of a blog post (aka blost) I read last year (read here). It was written by Alan Pope, also known as Popey, and talks about his life and his somewhat recent realization that he has ADHD. Being not exactly young anymore (sorry Alan), this naturally leads to refelections about one's life and how this new diagnosis sheds new light on previously unexplained phenomena.
Why am I writing this? You'll have guessed it: I, too, have ADHD.
So what? Well, I am in the process of figuring that one out.
It has been a long time coming. I remember how a fedifriend (greetings Dane!) called me out on something I had posted on the Fediverse and floated the idea that I might be neurodivergent. At first I brushed it off, I mean, I would've noticed, wouldn't I?
But it got me thinking and it took some time. One thing led to another, my son got diagnosed as well and since there is a significant hereditary component, I went ahead and sought a diagnosis myself. It's not easy to get where I live, if you're an adult it's even harder. I decided to go to a private practice and shoulder the cost myself. I figured it'd be a good investment in my future.
I went through the process and now I have the result. It was only the last piece of the puzzle, I had already realized beyond any reasonable doubt that I had to have ADHD during the testing process and in conversations with others who are affected themselves but now I have a professional's weight behind that assessment, too. You might argue that such shouldn't be necessary and it might not be for everyone. For me it was.
Reflecting on my life, my childhood, my education, my habits, my day to day life, there are many things that only now occur to me as consequences of this condition, or at least as connected to it. My deep focus during play time, my isolation and inability to connect to my peers as a youth, my struggle with studying for exams, my procrastination, my deep fascination with video games and lately with software in general, my ongoing issues with doing chores, my profound hatred for doing paperwork, my refusal to learn how taxes work, my habit to eat more than I need. The balancing act between video game addiction and simply relaxing after a long day. My struggle with establishing new routines and resulting hesitation to even try because of the fear of failure. My aversion to loud noises and voices and the fact that gatherings of people tend to wear me out quickly. Generally, how often I feel drained, even though I didn't perform any physical work.
My self-loathing. My guilt for not being able to do more, no matter how hard I try. The feeling that I just don't rightly fit in with most other people, except for the weirdos and nerds.
My depression.
How much of my past life was dictated by this? I'm probably not seeing things too clearly right now, I feel like I'm wearing ADHD-tinted glasses at the moment but I cannot help but ask myself these questions.
What would my life have been like, if I had been born "normal" (I know this is not a very useful word to apply to humans) or rather neurotypical? More boring, less stressful? I don't know, of course, and never will. I'm usually not a fan of such hypotheticals because it's simply moot to spend time thinking about it. I still can't avoid it completely.
My doctor recommended that I surround myself with like-minded people, that is with other neurodivergents. I assume that I unknowingly already have to a certain degree but it might be a reasonable idea to focus on it more. Especially when it comes to raising a child with the same condition it should be helpful to exchange experiences and advice with others.
I admit, I don't know how to feel about all this. Part of me is relieved but I think another part of me is also grieving. I have to let go of the concept of that normal person I can and could never be but that I somehow always wanted to be. It will take time, that much is guaranteed. But on the bright side, I still have a lot of time left to figure things out, at least statistically speaking. And I won't be alone (although I feel like it at times) so that's something.